As a man who’s in a relationship with a feminine partner, the most crucial aspect of relating needed for deep intimacy is, trust. This needs to be mastered if one wants to experience the depth of connection that makes a relationship thrive and opens the gate for the most satisfying sex for you both.
It is what your feminine partner craves on a very deep level. Trust creates safety for her, and when feeling safe she can then rest deeper in her natural feminine essence, rather than having to uphold her own guard in her masculine.
So, How does one illicit trust when relating with the feminine? Essentially, don’t expect her to trust you without patience, consistency, integrity and empathy. The following are 4 key components that allow trust to build. And don’t worry, sometimes you may excel in some, yet other times not all. That’s okay. Know there’ll also be slip-ups. We’re not perfect. What’s important is that you more or less are consistent in providing the following...
Presence
Presence is simply the capacity to hold undivided attention without passing judgment. This is what is practiced in mindful meditation. But, there comes a difference when relating with the feminine. Whereas meditative practice requires no engagement, without demands, the feminine will want you to be fully there with her, engaging with her whatever her mood or demand (not checking out!)
The more you show your capacity to gift your attention (feeling her, hearing her, seeing her) without judgement, in whatever mood she happens to be in, the safer she will feel when being with you.
A big modern day killer of this is all the distractions we have at our finger tips: phones, tv, fast food. And yet, even greater still: the distraction of our endless thought-loops. To be present means to not be pulled in by these distraction.
It is purported all across social media these days, but most of the pain a feminine partner feels in relationship (and most of her complaints) are due to either, a lack in awareness or lack of structure (which will be discussed later in this article). Let that sink in.
Now, you’re a masculine being. You have list of to-dos and interests calling for you time and attention. It’s limited. Let’s get real, you can’t be expected to be there unequivocally with your undivided attention. Therefore, rather than checking out unannounced, communicate it: if you can’t be present with her and she wants your attention, let her know that you can’t be fully present with her in that moment, but that you’re available with you full attention in 1 hour, 1 day, whatever.
Integrity
Essentially this is doing what you say you’re going to do. The more you demonstrate this, the more trustable your word becomes, and the safer she feels. More than this, it is also living in line with your values - which, beyond wanting to create safety for a partner, ought be something a man of worth aspires to.
That is: not sacrificing on your own standards and values. A man of integrity lives in alignment with what is virtuous and important to him. When the world sees you demonstrate this, you become trustable and admired.
Back to relating: in order to avoid slipping up, I caution men to not say or promise things you’re not certain you can follow through on. Instead, admit that you can’t promise it, rather than not follow through. This also demonstrates self-awareness of one’s limitations, which is also a hugely important asset when building trust.
Attunement / Empathy
Attunement is capacity to recognize and feel your partner’s emotions. Further, it is about responding to them in a loving and conscious manner over any unconscious reactive behavior that takes you two further from loving connection. Often for men this shows up as defensiveness, withdrawal or shutdown (all trauma responses and ego-defense mechanisms). Read more on this topic here.
The capacity to be with and to response to your partner’s emotions is deeply linked to one’s capacity to feel, process and communicate their own emotions first. If one isn’t engaging in this work, suffice it to say that those reactive patterns will be the default mode of relating.
Often avoidant types will struggle here because their trauma patterning led them to feel ashamed for their own emotionality, therefore that internal ‘disgust’ towards emotions can be projected outwards and any emotional express is rejected (all subconsciously) and lead to stone-walling. It is so import to keeping heart open even when triggered. This is difficult practice, as it requires immense nervous system regulation, selflessness and for us to over-go decades of programming.
Rather than tuning out, empathy requires you validate her emotions, even if you don’t agree with their appropriateness. In no case do you make her wrong for feeling what she’s feeling - even if they don’t appear to be appropriate to the facts of the matter. Emotions don’t do facts, they just are. And yes, they may arises from inaccurate perspective on things, but you can correct that later. First and foremost, learn to acknowledge and empathize. (Again, you can read more on this fine art here).
Deep intimacy is predicated on empathy: the the desire and ability to feel her emotions with her. The desire seek an emotional connection with her can only be received well. This is also a crucial aspect of wanting to have deeper sex. Know that a feminine partner’s turn-on is activated through her heart (a.k.a feeling the emotional connection), yet that’s a topic for another article.
Structure
The last aspect of creating trust, is structure. Trustable structure is clear and meticulous. Really, I believe you can never go overboard with the exactness of details and the clarity in which they’re communicated.
Providing structure is a foundational leadership skill. It makes her feel safe as it communicates that ‘you’ve got this’ - you’ve thought about all things beforehand and are taking the lead. Then, she doesn’t have to concern herself with making decisions or wondering what is going to happen.
Now, this isn’t to ignore or supersedes her desires in a domineering fashion. No, providing the kind of structure and leadership which illicits trust will take her desires and needs into account. Even after deciding on a structure or plan, you can offer it as a suggestion to see how it fits her. Here you demonstrate that you are thinking of her and her well-being too (even more plus points on the trust front!).
And lastly on this aspect, it isn’t require that you always be in the masculine pole having to make ever decision and to be always creating the structure in the relationship. No, there will be plenty of times when she is even wanting that. But in order to become a trustable partner, be very clear when you hand over the leadership to her.
Now, on paper this seems easy: a couple of sensible principles that make perfect sense. Yet, as human we are not perfect and are riddled with our own limitations and reactive patterns installed through our upbringing and inherited from our forbearers. It’s these reactive patterns, lapses of consciousness and our selfishness that damage trust. It’s crucial to become aware of these and put in the consistent work around them (a life-long endeavor I may add). It is work - serious work, but know the rewards of becoming highly trustable far out way than the effort required to build it. Most men are craving these rewards without realizing the place from where they come.
And in case it’s not been made clear, the reason you want to build trust (despite the immense responsibility surrounding it) is because it opens a relationship up to far greater depths of connection and harmony. Trust equals safety. When she feels safe, she can relax and be more in her feminine. This is polarity 101. This is what a masculine partner desires in relationship with feminine.
Sincerely,
Fred
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