Within world of polarity and relationships, and particularly in regards to rhetoric around modern-day masculinity there is a seeming contradiction that needs unpacking, readdressing, and clarifying.
To put it crudely: on the one hand we have the complaint that men are not sensitive enough, lack vulnerability, and idea that traditional ‘masculinity’ is toxic and that men need to cultivate their 'inner feminine'. In developmental terms, it's the perspective which sees the collective male motherwound leading to an epidemic of misogynists and close-hearted brutes.
And on the other hand (and this comes up particular in talk of polarity, neo-tantric circles, and the 'new-age goddess movement’) women are complaining about the epidemic of nice-guys, the domestication of men and the lack of 'true' masculinity. In developmental terms, it’s the complaint that the collective male motherwound has lead to an epidemic of nice-guys.
These are two desires seemingly at odds with one another. So, how does a man win? What needs cultivating on the collective level? Can these two be reconciled?
“Where is the line between developing the inner feminine, becoming more sensitive, maybe being more emotionally expressive, and when we cross the line into feminizing men, making them less masculine and therefore more toxic.” (Solar Bodhidarma)
Of course, I preface this with saying, most men are going to fall one end of the spectrum and will need to do work around cultivating either one of the deficiencies: 1) become more sensitive and emotional intelligent; or 2) embody more assertiveness and ‘primal’ masculine energy.
Then there is the bigger question of the collective, the evolution of human kind and society’s values. For this (as is my go-to), I look at things through the lens of integral stage development.
Complaint #1: Men are Misogynist Brutes
It’s common knowledge that the feminist movement of the ‘60s ushered in epic, much-needed societal change. And perhaps not recognized enough amidst the backdrop of emancipation and empowerment, is then the question of what it is to be a man? And what is his role in this post-modern world after several waves of feminist movements?
Ultimately the message sung loud in the past decades has been that a men should be ‘softer’; that they need to feel and process their emotions better; to accept that being emotional and vulnerable doesn’t make them weak; to know that domination isn’t a noble pursuit; to be able to feel into their bodies more and into the emotional world of others.
In her essay on the patriarchy and the motherwound, Bethany Webster declares that it is the patriarchy that causes a motherwound and thereby has created misogynists. The patriarchy made men learn to dominate and to become emotional cripples. In lamenting their disconnection with their ‘full humanity’ (i.e. their mother and thereby their emotional 'feminine side'), men project their motherwound onto the world and women, and in doing so cause both great harm. The message of her essay is that men need to be more emotional and recover that "vital aspect of themselves" lost through millennia of patriarchal conditioning.
So, here is an exact case of women asking for men to be more emotional (fully human) and drop the dominator role. And this is important, an integrated man is one in touch with his own emotions. A man deeply in touch with his own emotions is one who can see and hold the hurt in others - this is a deep yearning from the feminine.
Yet, I believe that a lot of this feminist rhetoric is chastising men, framing them all as rampant misogynists and that masculinity is bad. For me, it has her essay has a tone of bitterness and a feeling of superiority and comeuppance.
Today we have a culture where left-wing, postmodern, ‘woke’ ideology has entered the mainstream. The attack on traditional masculinity has gone too far in my opinion, and society is now left with an epidemic of castrated boys & effeminate men.
This is also a hyper-sensitive victim culture, where everyone is entitled to being offended, and being a victim gives one a certain social status. People are thereby on the look out for the nearest perpetrator, which just so happens to be men (and that’s not to discredit real male perpetrators or minimize the real violence and abuse caused at the hands of men, nor the male subjugation and oppression of women that stills goes on in some parts of the world).
The point is that we’re breeding a culture of man-bashing and vilification of all masculine traits. The end result is a shunning of any masculinity: we have somehow thrown the baby out with the bath water (metaphorically speaking).
And we’ll go onto see how this plays out in the bedroom, because egalitarianism is nice in political and economics, but it kinda sucks in bed. Recent studies show how many women crave more men to be more sexually dominate, yet reveal how unwilling men are to be so.
In the end of her essay Bethany writes, “no amount of privilege (wealth, power, fame, prestige) will ever compensate for the devastation, to whatever degree, that patriarchy has wrought on the little boy within him.”
Here she is arguing about the devastation patriarchy has on little boys by taking them away from their mother, but she utterly misses the equally, if not worse, negative impact that feminism and post-modern culture has on little boys, by feminizing them.
So again, we see there’s this complaint that men are socialized by a patriarchal society, which leads to misogyny and abusive men. Yet, this is totally at odds with another complaint coming from the mouths of women, namely, the nice-guy complaint….
Complaint #2: Where are all the ‘Real’ Men?
Turning to the other end of the spectrum the message is quite the opposite. Namely, that men nowadays aren’t ‘manly’ enough, that the world is lacking strong masculinity and there’s an epidemic of ‘nice guys’.
These are men who have subconsciously rejected their innate masculinity as a consequence of societal conditioning which diminishes the cultivation of healthy masculine traits, as well as a lack of father figures and the absence of healthy male role models whilst growing up.
The fact of the matter is that man men nowadays suffer many issues due to lacking masculine energy. Not only that, but women and society at larges do too! The world needs strong men who exhibit assertiveness, leadership, decisiveness, can stand up for their values and beliefs, are willing to protect others, and don’t crumble under pressure or aren’t easily swayed by their emotions.
Yet, men have been domesticated and become effeminate. In fact they do need to be brought away from their mother (from the feminine) in order to grow into men. Women simply can’t teach what a man can teach a boy about manhood. And the trouble is we live in a world where the opposite is believed. Men need to uncouple from their enmeshment with women, to find true purpose: to move towards something greater and embrace their inherent masculinity.
The mature, integrated masculine man is especially desired for in relationships and the sexual realm. In fact this is the crux of polarity. The feminine's desire sexually is to be dominated, to be led, to be held, seen, contained in her vast, limitless expansive sexual expression. She desires an energy that will meet her there, not shy away, be assertive, raw, primal. etc. I need not go on, you get the point. But, it’s kind of opposite of the last section, right? And this is where men get very confused by the mixed messaging.
Women's Part in the Creation of the Nice-guy Epidemic
When women complain, “where are all the 'real men' at?” (using Om Runpani's analogy), they are dreaming of the 'wolf' - the raw, animalistic, unencumbered primal power within man.
Okay, very well. There is indeed an epidemic at hand here. But why is this the case? Can women not see their part in this through social history? The feminist movements from 1960s onwards have counteracted against male domination in the social, political and economic fields. And perhaps rightly so. Yet, this has killed off the "wolf" now so longed for by women: "women have killed the wolf from the male psyche, now lament its absence... women's success of killing the wolf has become their misery." (Om Runpani)
Boys are no longer given the space to grow into real men, as strong masculine traits are disparaged and condemned by a hyper-sensitive society - all off the back of the feminist movements. This has bred several generations of men who grew up believing it's harmful and wrong to express their raw masculine energy.
They subconsciously accept that anything masculine is wrong, and thus we are dealing with the feminization of men. This shift in masculinity has come about at the request of women - or rightly, through the corrective force of 'equal outcome' that postmodernism demands.
And yet still, even with this great frustration around the lack of ‘true men’ (wolves) - whether consciously or not - women still disapprove of masculinity (and of course, owing to history, women have good reason to do so).
Men, now stand back and refrain from seeking what truly desire or expressing themselves fully because they don’t want to be label a misogynist, or seen as oppressing women. They’re passive. They’re accommodating. They’re nice. But they lack any bite. They’ve learnt their assertiveness is bad.
But how attractive is that for a women? A man afraid to ask for what he wants? And yet here we are, with women clearly asking for what they want (for men to step up etc. grow, develop, attune, etc., whilst at the same time disapproving of the very traits that would lead to a man unashamedly going for what he wants. These same women are not making space to hear or accept his requests - which totally refutes their initial desire: a man who's in touch with his desires and needs, and isn't afraid to state them.
Reconciling & Clarifying these Oppositional Stances
The backlash to 'toxic’, traditional masculinity has in effect, made men less masculine and more feminine. This is the problem. And this feminizing of men happens at a very early age through our institutions and in the family sphere with over-bearing mothers "sissifying boys" and absent fathers unable to give them approval of their masculinity.
Rather than saying it is masculine traits which have lead to violence and oppression over women, we need to understand that these traits in themselves aren’t bad or wrong. They only need to be harnessed in healthy ways and used as tools for good.
These are in fact necessary to build good society. So, the answer is not less masculinity, but better masculinity! Women indeed want real, responsible men, not passive men. This is an innate feminine desire: a desire for men who lead, protect, provide and who can stand up for what they believe in. So, how do we embrace masculinity in a way the is healthy and productive, on a collective, societal level?
One way to first go about reconciling this, is to see that to be vulnerable isn't necessarily 'less masculine'. In fact it is probably the most courageous thing one can do, and we often request our men to be courageous.
There is a need to differentiate between being weak and collapsing into victimhood when being vulnerable, and being centered in one's masculine, composed and owning one's fears and weaknesses.
It is also important to start by seeing which side of the scale a man is at: does he need to integrate more “feminine” qualities? Or, does he need to get more grounded in his masculine energy? There's a time and place to embody the two 'opposites' on this scale.
David Deida in one of his first book makes a distinction between three developmental stages of a relationship (and with the individual).
1st stage relationships are characterized by the abusive-brute male (think 1950’s dynamics and female subjection).
2nd stage relationships are characterized by the man becoming more introspective, working on his development and ultimately integrating more 'feminine' traits.
3rd stage is where the natural traits of one's inherent sexual essence are fully integrated and embodied on a spiritual level, which leads to 'divine union' and create the opportunity for true sexual ecstasy.
So indeed, the stalwart masculinity of yesterday is out dated, there is a need to develop emotional attunement to experience ecstasy.
An Integral Lens
Taking this and framing it onto the integral map of collective human development (which by the way, Deida appreciates greatly and has no-doubt influenced much of his own development frameworks), we can understand that perhaps collectively we are still ricocheting from the feminist movement of the 1960s and undergoing a collective transition into the 2nd stage dynamics in Deida’s terms.
What does that mean? Well men are on the whole stepping out of the highly-polarized, yet unhealthy masculine archetype, into it's opposite, which is sadly 'softer' than what the world needs longterm.
On the integral or spiral dynamics model, this is an emergence from Stage Orange to Stage Green: the modern era to the postmodern era, a 'yang' based value system to a 'yin' based value system.
Yet, Stage Green has now become extreme and is broken in its inability to recognize and integrate the value system of Stage Orange (or any other early stage values or worldviews for that matter!), so that all those Stage Orange values are rejected and demonized... and alas, the 'real men' are nowhere to be seen!
(Note well, integral development is about transcending and integrating lower stage value systems, not disowning and rejecting them.)
The focus of "Equal outcome" of Stage Green is at odds with the focus on "Equal Opportunity" of Stage Orange. The focus on rectifying the inequality in the gender gap, lead to the pendulum swinging far over to the other side, leaving yet a new disbalance - one in favor of women now.
This has been termed 'The Boy Crisis', or 'The War Against Boys'. It is the fact that the postmodern revolution and societal change has “helped women along just a little too far whilst holding men back just a little bit too much” (Ken Wilber).
An integral, 2nd tier (check out my article on developmental stages for a deeper understanding) aims to balance equal outcome with equal opportunity. Beyond the crisis we are now facing, we can look towards more holistic and integral levels of development, (Deida's stage 3) where both are reconciled.
When Stage Green is able to actually integrate the value system of Stage Orange, there emerges the most abundant and healthy archetypes of the masculine and feminine, fitting their roles respectively, whilst having integrated the necessity of the opposite. For sure, we still await the day this emerges on the collective level.
How can women actually support bringing about a reversal of this epidemic and get the men they desire?
Believe it or not, it is possible to have both the ‘wolf’ & the gentleman. So, what can women do to help this transition? Well, firstly they can help a man embodying his natural sexual essence by not shutting him down when he does so. Then, when necessary helping him open his heart and communicate his feelings.
It's also very important to understand that collectively women have low approval of men. Because their experience of men has been so poor & disappointing, their feelings towards men have diminished. And well, that just perpetuates a lack of love from men. As Rupani writes, "if you are in a state of disapproval towards the masculine, you will never arrive at a state of adoration with men." If women want to break this loop, they must first approve the masculine and cultivate respect for the masculine.
Most women see their lack of respect for men as logical and justified through their own experiences. But this leads to two sentiments: "I have lost all respect for men." and, "where are all the real men who are able to love me properly?"
But the way forward is not for women to wait for the perfect guy to show up to restore their faith in men, rather to start with how they are viewing men and approving of masculinity, (which is to say, begin dissolving the anger and disappointment first). Men crave feminine approval, and will step up immensely when receiving it. To withhold it is not the solution.
But women have resistance to this. To do so is seemingly to take away some treasure they hold on to tight: disapproval of men. But if that desire is so strong, then I say that's indication enough that it needs examination! That's the first real trap standing in the way of finding a healthy masculine partners.
So, where do women want to go from here, after the feminist backlash to millennia of patriarchy? If women wish to keep punishing men, then keep disapproving of them, but then stop with the complaints about missing 'real men'. The collective disapproval of men makes them lack self-esteem and constantly try to placate women.
Here's another way to look at it, if the ideal man is out there, then why would he pick a women who is constantly disparaging and disapproving and disrespecting of the masculine archetypes?
There has been wrong done to women at the hands of men. But the only corrective way forward is forgiveness, not resentment and punishment.
To find it, women first need to address their own unconscious despise and undermining of the masculine. To the women reading this, ask yourself, where and in what ways might I be undermining the development of healthy masculinity, both in specific people in your life and on the collective level?
Women ought to also recognise what it would mean to invite in a conscious, masculine man? That would mean they’d no longer have the sway over him they might experience with a nice-guy. These men are free. They'd be self-serving, dedicated to their mission first and foremost. They'd have strong boundaries and wouldn't tolerate any abusive, emotional power games or manipulative behaviour.
I admire the work of GS Youngblood and Traver Boehm, who address these issues in much of their work. That is, how do we foster a new notion of masculinity, which isn’t stuck in the old ways of the stoic ‘malboro man’, nor is the spineless ‘new-age wimp’, commonly referred to as the nice-guy.
Their work, along with many others, is helping shape a new masculinity which will help define the next generation of men; one where men are focused less on domination, but rather noble leadership through integrity and constructive growth.
References
Bethany Webster - The Mother Wound as the Missing Link in Understanding Misogyny
Om Rupani - Prerequisites to Ecstacy
David Deida - Intimate Communion
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